Jenny.Was.A.Pirate.Hater
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Pirate Jenny: Out to Seashore… Systems re-engaging. Kindly… (Part 3)

2/23/2023

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As the year 2021 closed out, I reflected on the dawning horror of 2020 and how that was somewhat transformed into hopeful productivity and excitement over the course of the year.

I took the warmer months by the horns as I got to go up to Grafton, NY for a BIPOC farming immersion,
continued learning more about urban agriculture, had a fire escape garden and radically eased back into performance art
and art making up at Three Phase and Art/Life Institute, primarily at the Queerteenth Festival (yes, I literally, radically “Queerteenthed” my heart out).
I was also blessed enough to be able to take one of the final classes in cordwood masonry from Rob Roy, a natural, earth building pioneer in upstate New York and also gained trades certifications through a trades
pre-apprenticehip program focusing in the green trades.

An artist residency at Three Phase Center for 2021-2022, Documenting process  was crucial.
After time on land in Grafton, NY, I tapped into making PJ some more time traveling tools whose purpose not
only centered farming, but also self-care and fighting narcissism (professional, institutional, systemic, domestic, intimate).
A dawning realization further into pandemic revealed logging on to social media and engaging with people on social platforms, began to give me anxiety. Even keeping up with cultural affairs, pop culture and my own website maintenance  and sending out updates and was exhausting and anxiety inducing with self-ingrained “performative” pressure. This greatly contributed to my  mantra of low-to-no-social-media, which I currently practice.
Self awareness and some evaluations revealed that I was severely burnt out and that the process is usually a 4 year healing journey...
I showed all the signs, and struggled wildly against growing fatigue, racing thoughts, sensory overwhelm,
not being able to function executively; flailing desperately against  severe depression, difficulty with tasks, and
articulating thoughts/feelings. I had become extremely socially withdrawn to the point of isolation - being
hyper selective around public and social interface. Learning to be in that space and accept that I couldn’t just work it,
wish it, or-try-a-new-activity or imagine it away has been a difficult journey but serves to provide systemic rest, time
and insight and tune into the core of a resiliency I didn’t know I owned.

2022 brought all kinds of surprises including a second health intervention - but one that I now know was induced  by relapsing into hyperproductivity, amidst anxiety and neglect. However, I now have the insight to notice and decolonize toxic practices around productivity and family patterns and can slowly pinpoint and identify their presence.

It’s been a boon to complete another Queer/Trans/LGBTQIA2+ BIPOC rural farming immersion, gain various
trades certifications and a certificate in urban agriculture. I’ve really tuned into some wonderful learning spaces and
affirming queer/trans/LGBTQIA2+/BIPOC communities, held virtual space while facilitating daringly bold and vulnerable allied and gender affirming youth exploring theatre and world making, learned how to tractor and continue to relish in the uncomfortable space demanding stillness and self reckoning that the universe has yet again mandated to me.

This season of life for Pirate Jenny is far from what I envisioned, but being held in the loving hand of the creator
and leaning into life from such a tender, supported and authentic place -  feels different, but right.
I hope to continue examining this art-life continuum with PJ -  existing within the trades and BIPOC farming justice; outfitting her in tools that fortify her in food, care, farmer, artist and land justice while also uprooting and defending
her and others against narcissism.

This is a gentle work in progress.
Pics, posts, work images and such will later ensue with gentle insistency and ease.

#staytuned
#lovePJ
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Pirate Jenny: Out to Seashore… Systems re-engaging. Kindly… (Part 2)

2/23/2023

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lIn February of 2020, It took an acute health intervention and hospital visit  - later revealed to be associated with severe burnout -  to put me and my racing ambitious thoughts in check. This intervention exposed that I had been rather unwell; engaging in highly toxic practices around hyper productivity, most likely trauma related.

Somehow, I mistook tolerance for resiliency; functioning through a nervous breakdown, depression and CPTSD (triggered by a 4 year narcissist relationship & breakdown/discard) and burning the capital candle and both ends trying to "make it" as a performance artist.

Grateful to transition the same black therapist pre-pandemic into the virtual space - I was able to piece together that a lifelong association with Complex PTSD and anxiety/depression and (at the time) a rare yet thankful diagnosis of ADHD in the late 90’s  - had finally rubbed my system dangerously raw to the point of successive blackouts.  Furthermore, my time in therapy provided much self reflection of the 4 years spent in intimate narcissist abuse; (love bombing, pursuing, gaslighting, hoovering, discarding then regret/supply stalking) while somehow managing to pay my rent mid-throes of a nervous breakdown down - triggered by Post Traumatic Infidelity Disorder. Then there’s the post-breakup carnival of animals with flying monkeys, catfish and random ex-wack-a-moles popping up and down in supply seeking delusion (aka a relationship).  Additional insight was spent on me scratching the lucky 7's with an increasingly and fiscally controlling sociopath. True to lesbian fashion, this union darkly erupted into the inevitable saturnic-return of a relationship fissure, replete with one trillion crisis coins, naturally unlocking beast mode into Break-Up-Stalker Upgrade.

I also began reckoning with how this toxic tolerance was a precedent set up in childhood, being the offspring of divorce and emotionally, physically & narcissistically abusive parents. Inevitably, this set me up for countless sub-par and dysfunctional relationships that I thought at the time were beneficial (professional, institutional, social, systemic, et al). Throughout my early 20’s and 30’s, my tolerance for high stress knew no limits. My hyper productive default allowed me to soar on the fumes of organically powered high octane immigrant guilt and I continued to mask and highly achieve, proudly learning later and immersively. By the time I finished graduate school (just after finishing my undergraduate degree) - my ongoing panic attacks were self-justified as a normally exhaustive event and regularly throwing up during thesis was par for the course. Culturally, I was already a "standout" to some members of my Antiguan family, not just as an artist (forgoing the typical health/nursing school track) but as someone openly in professional therapy (not a pastor) for Major Depression Disorder, ADHD and motherloss. Up until 2020, my life long occurrences of palpitations, dry mouth, and tingling hot flashes were internally deemed normal either in conflict, on the way to or during work, job interviews or other daily occurrences. It took 2020 for me to digest that as a black queer immigrant lesbian - there had been no collective platform for me to connect with other black or BIPOC women around anger and anxiety within our respective cultures. Earlier interventions around childhood anxiety, learning disorders (specifically around math/dyscalcula) and rage stemming from domestic abuse, trauma and my parents divorce - were not even in the books for professional intervention let alone for an immigrant family in capitalist survival mode.

As the shock wore off post 2020 hospital visit - the need to be proactive (not too hyper) showed up as me recalling a friends prior suggestion to play in dirt and that I also wanted to learn how to build things. A carpentry for queers class was happening in Brooklyn, and I found a community garden up the street from me and an additional gardening class in the Bronx. I began learning about urban agriculture and BIPOC farming justice and got into some great farming immersions and programs, and even learned how to ride a tractor. If Pirate Jenny hadn’t had the medium and truth serum of dirt along with her other tool making implements, especially when the stillness and reality of life patterns got to real and raw; I’d be more compromised and not for the better. I’m proud to say I’m not, but *Trigger Warning*: it was hard not to feel hopeless, overwhelmed, isolated and desperate enough to end it all initially during the pandemic, as I didn’t know how to deal with the stuff that finally came up when the chance to peel back layers was presented.
*End Trigger Warning*.

I’m no longer suicidal or posses intent of harming myself. There is a fully whole value in the community and the professionals I deem safe and loving enough to support me in my quest for living the fullest most revealing life yet.

This is a gentle work in progress.
Pics, posts, work images and such will later ensue with gentle insistency and ease.

#staytuned
#lovePJ
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Pirate Jenny: Out to Seashore… Systems re-engaging. Kindly… (Part 1)

2/21/2023

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A mere "lucky" 7 years later after walking across the stage with my terminal art degree in Baltimore.
Systems reengaging but knitting.

This is probably the first of a series diving into PJ making more tools to deal with more life, mainly centering black joy within recovery and healing from CPTSD/Narcissism & Domestic Abuse and severe burnout. Life has been bold and full, while my ever extended low-to-no social media communications have been sparse and on hold. Yes, the cliche of motion sickness is over used, but Pirate Jenny has been out to sea, reflecting, pausing and learning how to hammock, build, grow food and dive into the art as life continuum, amongst other things.

There’s been a deep lull. 
Finally forced to take stock and heed of the words I’ve used lately to describe PJ for the past few years  -
“PJ’s Tired” “PJ’s hammocking” - I’m taking my own advice. We tired - been tired - so tired -  I’ve been low and quiet.
The Quiet has been stereotypically deafening and its been hard for everyone. For me, the silence undulates between muffles screams of a dealt blanket party - replete with life’s bruises, bashes, bumps and backstabbings and betrayals - to its comforting weight; stable, grounding, validating and anchoring while holding space in a protective, subconsciously woven cocoon.

I thought everything leading up to Freddy Gray was horrific enough.
We lost George and continue to lose black, brown, poor and native lives while I continue to naturally experiment with and slip into social distance physically and emotionally; a new language in self-protection. There’s an innate drive to keep unpacking my key, jolting and revealing life memories and patterns while today’s worlds affairs and collides and converges; threatening to toss my last tactile reminiscences under a digital rug and into the meta universe.  These reminiscences float, dart and backstroke in this comfort; brushing past my eyelashes, neck and hair in acknowledgement of their impending release. Pirate Jenny, hypervigiliante of the social seas has finally been taking the rare privilege of time, graciously mandated to me by the Universe - via a job layoff right before the Great Pause and some recent other worldly interventions. It’s been a sacred challenge and blessing to afford the space in this queerly non-conforming edged form; this black, brown, lesbian and artist immigrant body -  just to stop and analyze my ghosts. More importantly, I get to deeply articulate how each of those complex creatures got there...

This is a gentle work in progress.
Pics, posts, work images and such will later ensue with gentle insistency and ease.

#staytuned
#lovePJ
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 Pirate.Jenny : I.AM.Radio #PirateRadio

4/7/2015

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Thesis Approaches. Install is next week. All I can do is look back and just think about how far I've come and how long I have to go.

As I reflect on PJ I'm thinking about what she represents. Never thought I'd leave my MFA with this incredible alter ego who stands for my experiences - triumphant and traumatic, as well as this meeting point of slaves and piracy as an Afro-Caribbean woman immigrating to the UK.  Last december, as I was still fleshing out PJ as a pirate/timetraveller - I went to a studio lecture on Sound. I was sick as a dog with sinus issues in the middle of installation tech nightmare for Fall Show, but managed to get enough to solidify some key thoughts about  Pirate Jenny, sound, territory and boundaries.
Just as pirates defied the boundaries between land and sea - PJ is navigating the airwaves.

My newest inquiry into Pirate Jenny is #PirateRadio. I wanted to embody the idea of looking, tuning, seeking. She is, I am searching, tuning, dialing, navigating, always. For something, for home, for Mother for justice for vengeance. She is, I am Radio. I'll be chartering some new and experimental ground with words, music and conversation with wonderful local baltimore artists and activists.

Specific to Baltimore, I'm also interested in exploring the working relationships of pirates and slaves especially in the Chesapeake Bay area of Maryland, and seeing how those relationships are present in social justice work today. Of course, I had to have it at my favourite radical space Red Emmas Bookstore & Coffeeshop. I've got a beautiful line up of artists and activists including Josiah Morgan, Sydney Spann, Mark Gunnery and Paul Rucker...

IN the meantime, check out my thesis process and ideas - Hopefully you'll get to make out to MICA's thesis show opening for thesis Spring 2015 (April 17th - May 3rd). Stay tuned...

Shola aka PJ

#LovePJ
#PirateRadio
#IamRadio

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Pirate Jenny, Piano Exercises and Keeping Time (travel)

4/4/2015

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I've been feeling the need to have Pirate Jenny help me confront a lot of things. Around February of this year - I started using aspects of piano in my installations. Since the age of 6 and well into my early twenties, I trained heavily in classical music - mostly piano, a moderate amount of trombone and I had experimented with violin, and clarinet. At some point in my undergraduate days, the identity I had built around myself as a pianist was sticking, but subconsciously i couldn't deal with not knowing anything else. Learning, practicing and performing piano no longer became the safe space I would go to and eventually became traumatic. The learning environment I was in also didn't serve my emotional needs, especially as I was dealing with uncovering my sexuality, identity while being away from home for college.

What has evolved, is a series  called Pirate.Jenny.Scores in which PJ is confronting, or facing those things that have affected me (Shola). The idea of scoring, scores - as music, as record as getting even sits well with me, and as PJ has been developing, I have been using her as a means of confronting events in my own life as well as social injustice in the world. Earlier, I had been working around the piano, putting it in my installations. Almost unavoidably, I had to start physically working with it, just so I could embody what I had been dealing with. Piano excercises/etudes such as having Pirate Jenny Pushing, pulling, dragging, leaning against this thing felt interesting.  Setting up spaces/installation where I experimented with items and artifacts let me feel like I could insert her in them and give her tasks, or give her regimens that she had to receive.
Piano Exercises:Etude No 1, Video still (2/15)
Piano Exercises:Etude No 2, Video still (3/15)
Piano Exercises:Etude No 3, Video still (3/15)
The last etude in Pirate Jenny Scores involves a video performance of Pirate Jenny leading a funeral procession as she decides to find a place to bury her piano. There is a first time for everything. Producing the third piano exercise of  Pirate Jenny Scores required: getting a cast, having a pre-production meeting, creating a storyboard, doing costume design, making sculpture, costume accents and props, rescheduling, scouting and locating a site, hiring a videographer and production assistants... among other things.

And it all happened. In Branford, CT - West woods Trail. It was cold, but I had some warm hearts helping to make the majic happen.

Stay tuned,
Love,
PJ
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A Timely Matter of Black Lives (All Lives, rather): An open letter to Mt. Royal

1/7/2015

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I've been taking time to think and heal and strategize for the year ahead. If anything - I don't have answers for the following year, I've just come up with some simple resolves in the following months to get through thesis, nourish myself as fiscally, lovingly and as emotionally well as I can - and to reflect those upon myself, those I care about and to my surroundings. For me that also means putting the art in articulate. I want Pirate Jenny to not just be another angry voice in the din of social justice in the quest for betterment of all lives, but to see her as an entity using concept, functioning in society with various actions allowing people to think, breathe and consider this point in time - and how we got here. As a first step, I've upgraded my vimeo account (Yay! Still figuring out other logistics) and uploaded together a series of self produced video shorts where I've experimented with some editing while working with two amazing video artists Cola Lola Marie and Lani Asuncion . The last clip, with the working title, "A Timely Matter of Black Life" - is the most recent exercise in performance as a response  to what feels like a peaked frenzy of so much social injustice at the hands of various racist systems and institutions. I hope to produce and perform more of these experiments under the working title "A Timely Matter of Black Lives (All Lives Rather)  - creating articulate work as Pirate Jenny that provokes meaningful thought and positively effective social rebellion.

Also, below is a letter I wrote to my studio mates at Mount Royal that I am using as momentum, and perhaps a personal manifesto, or my guide for the new year. I had sent this shortly after feeling proud that I had finally installed my work (after much electronic media drama) and we had a great opening as a program. However, on the heels of the Ferguson and Garner verdict, and all the news pouring in about lives of color meaning so little to some people, I felt compelled to write this. I'm so glad for the positive responses my studio mates gave as well as their own compassionate - and the beautiful dialogue that came forth, which I won't include, but it's got some institutional dialogue going as far as how we can bridge the gap as students and as artists preparing to re-enter the world, in a position of privilege in Baltimore - with so much going on in the world, let alone outside our studio.  Please read below.

Happy New Year,

Love, Pirate Jenny aka PJ
*************************************

"Hey Kittenz.

I'm so proud of us all getting our show up. Go mount royal!

However despite all the festivities and our accomplishments I still am recovering from being sick and feeling a deep dark sadness within myself with whats going on in Baltimore with all the protests, with Ferguson, the non indictment of Eric Garner and other social injustices that are happening right outside (or inside) our studios.

I feel helpless, confused and guilty for worrying about my sound on my installation when right across the street Red Emma's was packed to the brim with a Ferguson teach in because all around us right on North Avenue mainly black people and young black men are getting killed and beaten for being who they are.

How on earth can we as artists/MFA students at MICA and at Mt. Royal - balance crits, lectures, homework, studio time and oh, Finals and Thesis - with taking stock and processing this awful time/police state we live in? I personally can't continue to separate the two any longer. When I  get harassed/cased/followed by a cop who initially mistakes me for a young black man who then realises I'm a woman and attending MICA and lets me off the hook - I can't ignore my race-gender-education privilelege dilemma.

I'm definitely open to having more discussions about this, and how MICA can support me and others who feel like this. I have no idea what to do. No one is talking about this in the open. I can talk to graduate studies and others about  creating space to talk. I think there needs to dialogue, time and space for healing around this. Personally, I'm kind of a wreck and I can no longer afford to hide in my studio bubble and not acknowledge the national crisis that is happening around me.

I'm open to tips, suggestions and thoughts that can generate discussion and healing space. If anyone has any ideas I'm way open.

Thanks

Shola

#BlackLivesMatter "

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A Timely matter of Black Lives: Pirate Jenny - looking back, moving forward

12/27/2014

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As the new year approaches - I'm thinking about the ways how Pirate Jenny, aka PJ and her tools have grown, changed and developed in this social context - and this timely/less idea of historical police and authoritative brutality and social injustice in which she navigates and time travels. To me, its the same concept but different contexts - whether its the idea of the slave catcher - or the police officer - human beings of color, are truly embattled with authority in a way that brings to light the true issue that #BlackLivesMatter - and that these horrific crimes against black, brown, yellow and red bodies in and out of various institutions are unacceptable.

I started out my grad school journey with the idea of gele boats armed with the tune of Nina Simone's Pirate Jenny running through my head. As I finish up my Fall Semester - and decompress and process over the holidays, I also realize that I've revisited those mediums by stretching, wrapping and redressing those navigational instruments with gele - using chains to suspend my boats, also using video to capture me performing,  hanging from them the letters "BLM"  - finally, albeit joyfully writing on the wall parts of  Kurt Weill's Three Penny Opera Song, brought to light by Lotte Lenya, and made iconic by Nina Simone. Maybe it's the act of writing on an institutional wall - or just the kinetic connection of hand to surface - but it was definitely freeing, symbolic and is another instance of performative work that I'm exploring as I incorporate my studio practice into a social one. As a black queer woman - I have no choice but to connect the two as I live my life. Nina Simone puts it so well when she tells her interviewer that we have an obligation and a duty as artists to do this, to reflect the times.

This semester has taught me not just about Pirate Jenny and how she will move forward for the next year - but about taking the time, seizing the moment - taking time to pause and reflect and using that to inform how I will react. The writing on the wall of this installation literally came after I had to de-install my media - sound and video. That came after getting feedback after my final critique with my program director and two incredible filmakers/conceptual/performance artists. Putting into action feedback after your own reflection is a skill that I'm still learning and moving forward with the new year I hope to see reflected in Pirate Jenny and her choices in travel, instruments and adventures in this increasingly troubled social context.

Happy New Year,

Love,

Pirate Jenny aka PJ

#BlackLivesMatter


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Pirate Jenny - A Timely matter of Black Lives...

12/27/2014

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It's two days after the holidays, Christmas - and wow... That's all I have to say. Wow.
I've still been on the momentum of Pirate Jenny using her instruments to time travel - I've had the gift of having time (well, sort of) to evolve my pieces and let ideas that I had introduced in my first semester show up in my fall semester of my second year of graduate school.

I must say that right before the thanksgiving holidays - the grind and rush of the deadline for our Fall Show definitely kicked my sinuses into gear - as well as finally seeing the non-indictment for Micheal Brown and watching Ferguson explode. I didn't know how to react - all I could feel was rage and the feeling of falling inward, spiraling towards despair, hopelessness and emptiness as that verdict - and then the non-idictment of Eric Garners CopKiller had me feeling so numb and helpless. All around me, despite my Fall show installation deadline, the  failing media for my installation, my sinus infection and school, work and exhaustion  was anger, rage, despair, mobilization in Baltimore and across the country in reaction to the growing awareness of  the police state and that #AllBlackLivesMatter despite the historically blatant horrors of police brutality coming to a head in the 21st century.

It took successfully putting up my installation for Mount Royal Fall 2014 Show "Maybe For Sure" for me to fully realize how empty I felt despite a now "media-drama-free installation", complete with sound, video and sculpture and that the world outside my studio had a place in my practice - and that I had no choice but to start making plans to implement my studio practice into a social one.
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Navigating Activism.

7/5/2014

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So PJ's got her navigational tools, right? She just needs a place to try them out and use them.... Like, say for instance  at the University of Maryland Baltimore County 's Rethinking Intellectual Activism Conference. What a fun and eye opening experience presenting PJ in that context. I was in the "Performing politics of race" section and gave my presentation on "Social Gesture: the Choreography and Performance of social rebellion"  and discussed social and expressive choreography, anarchy in all forms in regards to slave rebellion, capoeira, sea chanties, gender politics, especially within pirate and slaves communities. It was nice to finally use and map out space during my presentation in order for PJ to take, or rather move the discussion outside of the classroom and through the conference space and after lead a Q & A session. I'm also very excited to say that I'm collaborating with a great video artist on the footage of this presentation - Cola Lola Marie, a fellow Mountie and we are working on a multidisciplinary video of Pirate Jenny and a conceptual exploration of  who she is, it's definitely a moving piece in progress...

So with the use of navigational tools for hurtling PJ through time, sea and water, I was
very inspired by the ancient sea navigation tools that were used by mariners ages ago. How could something so simple as an astrolabe and the night sky be so influential in getting people where they had to to go by sea? Well, it wasn't that simple - it was intricate and the night sky and the day sky were easy to read if you knew how...

With that in mind - I developed a body of work using photography, movement and sculpture based around Pirate Jenny's navigational tools for sea and time travel. The use of reed and bamboo was a great carry over from my performance costume class as its flexibility allowed me to create 3D pieces that reflected my love and experience of movement and gesture. Of course in the spirit of anarchy,
I took pictures right outside of the equally principled bookstore and coffeehouse Red Emma's. Check out some of the pics of me prepping for the shoot and sizing up my stuff.
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Spring Recap: Shola meet PJ (Pirate Jenny) - PJ meet Shola

7/5/2014

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Well its been an incredible spring and its turning out to be an even more wonderfully juicy summer. Happy to say that the Spring semester and final reviews on the Mountain (Mount Royal School of Art) kicked my tail and taught me so much. My fellow Mounties  are definitely one of a kind and it's great to be sharing creative space and expressive time with these folks.

Figuring my way through the semester is definitely something I won't forget - and I do think the occurrence of me stepping outside my comfort zone and working in unexpected creative contexts helped me with navigating my way expressively. Speaking of navigation, I decided to take  a performance and costume class - The Expanded Body with an incredible Baltimore based fiber and performance artist Melissa Webb. This exposed me to so much history, fiber, culture and performance context. In addition to learning how to walk on stilts (yes - I said and did just that), I was so happy to have one of those universal artist "aha moments" when it came to the building of wearable structures part of the class - especially with such flexible mediums like reed and bamboo. In regards to the topic of navigation, I had been looking to see how my newly acknowledged alter ego, Pirate Jenny could get around. Ideas of  navigation - all in the realm of sea navigation instruments, time traveling, movement and mapping began to take shape.

This was definitely a perfect place for me to link those ideas into the previous context of pirates and run away slaves interacting, as well as examining the social choreography and anarchist themes that came from such a collusive existence in the context of social  governance within outcast communities. Also, I'd never mapped out my alter ego before, even with the many mediums of drawing and fabric it was great to see where I could take PJ creatively, conceptually and realistically. I know she's definitely an anarchist - but I'm not sure entirely where she'll take me either.
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